Sunday, 26 February 2017

Kuchisomething Evil and Junk

Walking home one night down a dark alley as you do – I was confronted by a woman wearing a mask over her mouth.
She stared at me and asked me in a slithery voice “Am I pretty?”
Realising she was that Japanese demon girl that I had read about on (of all things) a Facebook post, I said “I know who you are”.
She stared at me vacantly and asked me again “Am I pretty?” taking a step closer.
I get it” I answered, “you ask me if I think you’re pretty and if I disagree - you disembowel me or something but if I agree you take off your mask and you show me your Glasgow smile and ask me again and no matter what I say you end up killing me”. I said all of this very carefully to make sure I didn’t say “yes” or “no” in case the trigger to keep playing the twisted game was based on simple linguistics. 
Her eyes narrowed and she lowered her head a bit so she was standing somewhat hunched and suddenly her eyes snapped to meet mine “you dare question me?” this time her voice had a little more dagger to it.
I took my chance to stall. “Ah so you do speak! So let me ask you this:  you were walking down a dark alley and someone cut you from ear to ear, right?”
Confusion filled her dark eyes for a moment and then flickered back to complete darkness “yesssss” she hissed more than replied much closer than before
Trying not to flinch at the invasion of personal space, I soldiered on "Ok. . . was it a stranger or did you know the person who did this to you?"
What?” she asked in an uncharacteristically hoarse voice.
I looked around to see if there was anyone around to help – but then I doubted whether anyone would stop to talk to an obvious creature of evil if they had the choice. I continued my ramble. “Like was what happened to you a random act of violence or was this someone trying to silence you or seek vengeance or something?
Her head cocked to one side unnaturally “. . . random” she replied.
"Uh huh. so now you go around killing people in the same way you died – but you must have killed thousands in your time. . . " She moved her head back and forth presumably in a nod "Let me ask you a second question: what do you get out of it?"
The kiiiilllll” she answered with no hesitation.
I swallowed a yelp "I . . . uh see – but is that the girl that was killed talking or the demon that has possessed you talking?"
“Both” she hissed.
"So let me ask you one last thing – if I never give you an answer to your question – are you bound to me until I do or do you just move on to your next victim?"
Her eyes and face softened and a single tear rolled down her face.
For a second she looked like a young girl. . .

Any way – that’s why mommy has a 100 year old demon following her wherever she goes. Goodnight sport *KISS

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Instagram account owners are scary as all butts

Instagram decided to do an account clean up in the last 24 hours to decrease spam accounts and what are lovingly referred to as "ghost followers" (account that are inactive and simply make up numbers).

Well. . . Some people are LOSING. THEIR. SHIT.

So this is the demented part - all the accounts they deleted were INACTIVE accounts which means that people are losing their shit over the arbitrary number that makes them feel that their account has some worth.

What kind of people are these?? There's accounts bitching about all the "hard work" and time that has gone into building their numbers or reaching their goals (😱) but. . .isually this means they're the accounts that go around asking people to follow their accounts or spam liking account until their hourly limit is reached. 

Geez, why am I here? I have 2 instagram accounts and all the followers I have on there have been through no coercion or begging on my part. If they don't want to follow my account anymore - on your way! 

The crazy thing is that before this craziness people regularly complained about how they have so many followers but hardly any of them interact. . . And here is this clean up that gets rid of accounts that don't do anything and people now can't shut the hell up about how they've lost those same voiceless followers.

The worst part - most of the above idiotic responses were written on a post that instagram put up : 

I'm too old for this shit. 

It's like being at school with a whole internet full of self obsessed assholes. 

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Jane Awesome Vs Sabutt

I hooked up an old hard drive a few hours ago - mainly because I've officially seen The Simpsons and Law and Order SVU too many times (I can tell you the plots of any episodes within the first 20 seconds - try me, it's ridiculous).

In an effort to watch something I don't know off by heart but familiar enough to know that I won't hate it I chose to search this old hard drive's movie folders.

Now the following is a secret that I don't often reveal to people (partly to perpetuate this surly, vulgar and uncaring mask i have created for myself) - I love Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility. Not like a lonely housewife needing 1995 Colin Firth as a masturbatory aid - but in such a way that sense and sensibility is my comfort book and I've watched every incarnation of these two stories that I can get my obsessive hands on, even the zombie/sea monsters ones and the shitty 80s ones where you can see boom mikes and all the actresses have buck teeth.

With this in my mind I chose Lost in Austen (2008) - a British (of course) mini series where a supposedly crass present day Hammersmith girl gets sucked in to the world of Pride and Prejudice.

Although this series takes quite a lot of liberties with the story and the characters, it is actually quite enjoyable, better at least, that that Keira Knightly dreck that squelched onto our screens in 2005 (7.8 on IMDB??? ugh). Without revealing the end (because it is different) it left me in a sappy I-need-to-devour-some-mindless-rom-com-dribble-to-live kinda mood.

I went into the Rom Com folder of this old drive (yup - it exists) and for a moment considered watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging (2008)v(yes, another secret revealed - I fall back on this shameless adolescent baloney, partly because it reminds me of my teen feelings but also because the chemistry between the Georgia and Robbie is palpable. . . and possibly real between the actors?)

Alas, I decided on a movie that I watched nearly 20 years ago once and for some reason had it in my head that I enjoyed it.

Sabrina (1995) is not what you would class a cinematic classic :
  • Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond have no chemistry - their "deep" conversations consist of Sabrina being wistfully demented and Linus being as cold as dead wet fish in an igloo.
  • Harrison Ford looks like he is some serious amount of pain the entire movie
  • Julia Ormond looks like one of my friends mum's who I don't particularly like and who also suspiciously looks like Richard Gere.
  • I haven't seen the original one (1954) but it stars Audrey Hepburn, Humphrey Bogart and William H?olden and was directed by Billy Wilder - enough said.
The only good thing about this movie is possibly Greg Kinnear and that's only because he is playing the same playboy asshole he plays so damn well in almost all his movies - which in fact is probably why I thought I liked the movie the first time around. Granted, I was 10 when this movie came out but his smarmy tendencies  were probably enough to entice my confused prepubescent sexy brain bits. . . enough to make me believe that I liked this shitty movie.

Thanks a lot Pre-pubescent Virna. . . you butt.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Fandoms and Smut Therein

A fandom can be best described as a complete obsession with a TV show, band, movie, video game, book or pretty much anything that is rich enough in content or at least contains one or more good looking boys to set young girl's (and some boys) loins aflame [not official or dictionary meaning]. There is so much more to it but that's as simplified as it gets for now.

These are some telltale signs that you have been or are in a fandom : 
  • a fervent love for specific characters, band members, story lines or actors
  • the need to own all paraphernalia connected to your fandom 
  • joining groups on social media in relation to your fandom
  • interacting with said fandom social media 
Then there is the REAL fandom signs :
  • pausing and/or rewinding your favourite scenes or videos
  • creating separate social media accounts to further submerge in the culture anonymously
  • searching for every bit of video footage on you tube in relation to the show, the actors, the writers,  band members, walkthroughs, previous movie/tv roles of actors 
  • aaaaand of course writing fan fiction and creating fan art

I've been a part of a few fandoms in my life starting from an extremely early age without realising - apparently I'm very susceptible to pop culture obsessions, pfft, who knew? I've even tried to introduce other people to my fandoms but i have yet to convert anyone.

Currently I'm suffering from Supernaturalitis (and have been for the last few years) which involved most of the symptoms above but I was weary of the fan fiction side of things, feeling it was a step too far. . . until I had a horrid realization : I've inadvertently written fan fiction before.

To understand the horror I felt - let me give you a rundown of what fan fiction is and why it isn't widely discussed amongst normies. It's basically alternate storylines for already established fandoms. These story lines can be characters from a fandom being put into completely alien situations (e.g. The buffy characters going around in a van solving mysteries) or characters acting out situations or relationships that were never written into the show e.g. An alternate timeline where Drogo from Game of Thrones doesn't die or Elaine and Kramer from Seinfeld have a relationship. 

Here's some lingo for you : to 'ship' 2 characters means that you want the characters to have a relationship e.g. I ship Dean Winchester and Castiel the angel from Supernatural,  (Destiel) and many people ship John and Sherlock from the recent Sherlock series (Johnlock).

screen captures of search "destiel" (top) and johnlock (bottom)

Fan fiction is just such a submersible and strangely satisfying medium. A word of warning though - if you have a tendency to obsess over characters and are dissatisfied with implied relationships on your favourite shows, movies or games - don't read fan fiction. Seriously, it is a rabbit hole that I wish someone had warned me about when I first dabbled in it - parents should be warning their kids about the addictive nature of fanfiction instead of fear mongering against weed and heavy metal.

So let's face it, fan fiction is a major outlet for people to imagine their favourite characters getting their fuck on. Not all fan fiction is, but the bulk of it is filthy soul molesting porn. 

Pretty much anything you've ever watched has probably got a fan fiction following. To demonstrate this I thought of an innocent subject matter - I dare you to click here (perfectly legal site, don't worry).

Freaky shit, right? Who knew they could feel that way about each other? I didn't even read it but I deduced by the description and the rating that it was going to be nasty. The creepy doesn't stop there I'm afraid, even normal shows get weird ships e.g Buffy and Giles, Bart and Mrs Krabapple, Arya and the Hound, Dean and Sam Winchester (lovingly named Wincest - yup fan fiction authors don't really care about incest).

this conversation actually took place on a meta episode of the show

Another term that you'll wish you didn't know : OTP (one true pairing) because much like organised religion some fans get mightily feisty when it comes to who characters should end up with. Yes, fans love fictional relationships so much they will fight other fans who ship a different fictional relationship. . . 
this is unfortunately - pretty accurate

So here's the main thing I find weird about fan fiction, depending on the fandom - there is full blown hardcore porn being written and consumed by young girls and boys. Like 14 and up kids are writing some of the filthiest things I've ever read. This sounds really wrong but when I think about it I wrote my first fan fiction when I was 11 about sailor moon and tuxedo mask (granted, it was not porn but definitely more lusty than the actual show). See what I mean about protecting your kids from it - I'm all for natural sexual awakening however not so comfortable with Tweens and young teens writing porn so hardcore that it would make the most seasoned porn star blush.
After my Sailor Moon obsession, my next real run in with fan fiction was during my boy band fan girl phase when the backstreet boys were the only thing I could think about. I even had this overly detailed plan (which became sexy fanfic) of robbing a bank, moving to Kentucky and plotting to marry Kevin (the heavily eye browed backstreet boy) as Kentucky has a younger age of consent. 

Then a couple of years later came my Queen obsession and as a proper teenager - this is where the fan fiction became. . . a little graphic. I found a few stories the other day while cleaning my room and I'll admit they made me blush. 
Apparently I found all members of Queen quite the loin scorchers.

Another instance of fan fiction that I found hilarious was my sister calling me up one day to ask me if I remembered whether one of the Weasley twins from Harry Potter had gotten a blow job from one of the girls at Hiogwarts. I was confused by the question but started to consider if maybe there was alternate versions of Harry Potter printed (?) until we realised that she had downloaded a fan fiction edited version of the HP books where the children's libidos apparently ran rampant.

A couple of years later I was dissatisfied with the Hunger Games books being too short - fan fiction to the rescue! A very dedicated and talented fan fiction author rewrote all 3 books from the perspective of Peeta . . . Which of course ended up being the rankings of a usual horn bag teenage boy. I still get the real books and the fan fiction confused because it was written so seamlessly (but usually the sexy times are dead giveaways). 

So here's the clincher - a few years back I wrote some smutty material (somewhat fan fiction-y), that to my horror, was published out of pure dumb luck. So I thought - lets go all in on this supernatural fandom and interact with people on that level - so I wrote some (tame) fan fiction that has already gained followers and kudos and its only been up for a week! 

blurred because you ain't getting me that easy
Despite there being thousands of stories available apparently fans read EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

Why would I put all this (semi) dirty laundry on the interwebs for anyone to see, you ask? Well, because it's taken me over 15 years to realise that both fan fiction and fan art, although embarrassing, are actually really conducive to creativity. Some fans out there are super talented and if the way they find that out is by writing fandom porn or smutty fanart - then rock on you little pervs, rock on. 

I just hope that fan girls don't lynch me for revealing the deep dark secrets of fandoms. . .

Saturday, 20 September 2014

I was raised by TV and I turned out TV (or why you should stop bitching about how much the Simpsons suck after season 10)

As a Simpsons fan for most of my life I have stuck by them through all the major slumps - the deluge of animated shows, the cluster fuck of animated shows aimed for adults, the general lull of being on tv for longer than the average shows but most of all I have been defending the Simpsons to every person who has regurgitated the ol "the Simpsons used to be better" line [insert eye roll].

Yes, partly it's loyalty for a TV show that helped shape my twisted sense of humour but also - the fact that the show's humour hasn't changed that much in the last 25 years, despite having to battle it out against shows like South Park and the Macfarlane empire - the Simpsons never played blue (well no bluer than they already were). The plots did get wackier which was probably the real response to shows like family guy and South Park but if they hadn't, people would be crapping on about how it stayed the same and got boring (not to be confused with the consistency of the humour). I will say this though - I do miss Conan O'Brian as a Simpdons writer - that guy is a genius. A lot of the time, people fail to realise that society has changed the expectations of a genre that wasn't even supposed to survive when the Simpsons first aired not to mention that people change in preferences, in pretentiousness and in humour.

When people have tried to give me the old chest nut "Simpsons stopped being funny after season 10" I usually ask them why and more often than not it usually coincides with people simply not watching anymore. Besides a few of us that may or may not leave the Simpsons playing in the background of daily life - people simply stopped watching because other shows were pushing the boundaries more. . . because 'normal' people don't think quoting the Simpsons is an attractive quality in a mate. . . because people are still under the impression that growing up means not having a sense of humour.  Hilariously I've even had people suggest that Simpsons no longer cares about stories - instead opting for craziness - seriously? You're watching a cartoon, you want a dragged out story? Watch a soap opera . . . Or an American dubbed anime. Not to mention that these same people are Family guy fans. 

Just a quick note - I love Family Guy and all the Macfarlane creations and I have also stuck it out with South Park which in fact has gotten better each year. Both creative teams behind these shows site the Simpsons as a major influence on their work but people don't care that the Simpsons had been a major foundation for so much animated comedy.

I'm not saying all Simpson episodes are gems - because they're not (the first 10 seasons included) but that's just it - it has never been a perfect show. Putting the first 10 seasons on a pedestal is like saying that the first 3 seasons of Seinfeld were the best ones - nope. They were history that needed to happen to get to the awesomeness (albeit an over quoted awesomeness - if someone says "no soup for you" as their favourite Seinfeld quote to me one more time - I will punch them in the dark).

Another gripe that 'fans' constantly bring up is that the series became all about the celebrity guest appearances and that they just play themselves now which is bull honkey - just off the top of my head from the early seasons :

Not to mention why shouldn't celebrities guest star on the show? A lot of the recent guest stars like Jonah Hill, Anne Hathaway, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Seth Rogen grew up watching the Simpsons just as we all did. I know if I had become famous I would jump at the chance to be a tiny part of Simpsons history - as Ricky Gervais put it recently : 

If you're still not convinced (and fair enough too because all I've done is insult those who have not watched all the Simpsons like if its some sort of Holy Grail) here are a few episodes after season 10 that are amazing and might inspire some to actually experience what they're constantly judging.

Moe baby blues (Season 14)
Moe becomes creepily attached to Maggie and Homer becomes jealous. Awesome Godfather and Queen references.

Don't fear the roofer (Season 16)
Ray Magini who may or may not be a figment of Homer's imagination. Funny episode despite Ray Romano.

Springfield Up (Season 18)
A parody of the 7 up documentaries - Simpsons style :

That 90s show (Season 19)
A whole bunch of 90s references and a slight rewrite of Simpsons history - it's a really awesome episode for those of us who lived through the disgusting paisley 90s.

Treehouse of Horror XX (Season 21)
This is easily my favourite treehouse episode - Hitchcock, zombies and a penny dreadful type musical. It's perfect.

The day the earth stood cool (Season 24)
An episode making fun of hipsters - pretty spot on too.

These are just a few of the ones that have stood out for me but seriously - they're still funny - However, if you're still not convinced. . . Well, I think long running Simpsons writer Dana Gould put it best:

Now excuse me while I go watch the Simpsons go jump the shark for the 50th time with the Family Guy crossover. 

I will love you, always . . . or until I blow you up (always video clip by Bon Jovi)

Do you remember this video clip?
It's one of those clips that is so 90s that it hurts your face like :
- A dude wearing a "raver" Cat in the hat . . .hat
- Non ironic florals and paisley dresses 
- Carla Cugino (possibly straight off her Son in Law fame) 
- Keri Russell (pre Malibu Shores and Felicity fame)
- That blond squinty eyed dude that was in everything in the 90s (since have found out his name is Jack Noteworthy) I only recognised him as a peodophile from Law and Order SVU but he's been in a whole bunch of crap.
- the "hot artist dude" (Jason Wiles) which I found familiar but only because he played another sexual predator in Law and Order SVU (is it just me or has SVU become the show where actors careers go to die?)
Mix in some vests worn as shirts and overacting and BAM - you've got this masterpiece of craptacular proportions.
Back in 1994 - I didn't even blink about how ridiculous the story is or how you can see the boom mic in that one scene (granted, in 1994 - I was 9 years old and was more focused on watching the video without my parents coming into the room right on the "raunchier scenes" as parents seem to do). Here, watch this thing if you never have or haven't in a long time :

Oh and the main guy blows Carla Cugino up in the end. . . Why does she even call him up to the artists guy's loft??? Ugh, I don't care anymore.