Sunday, 30 May 2010

Gore or be gored.

It just so happens that I’m currently in a state of epiphany…

Right in the middle of it…

You have caught me with my emotional and psychological pants down - so to speak.

So here you have it : my naked brain displayed on a dirty counter ready for you to poke and prod with your curiosity and disdain.

I say disdain because nowhere in that writhing pulsating mass of grey nerves is there a single good thought.

Everything is laced with malice, sex and revenge and even the things that appear good have a chewy center of selfishness.

It is not self deprecation anymore; I am no longer saddened by who I am.

I am finally ready for the world.

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Half-truths and Cheese for Breakfast

The socially chameleonic nature of people's behaviour is really starting to grate my cheese. Say what you mean and mean what you say . . . Bitches. You are not breakfast.

Saturday, 10 April 2010


Bebehs . . . so many Bebehs. . .
bebehs to the left of me - bebehs to the right,
bebehs in cupboards concocting to give me a fright.
Hey lady, you shouldn’t keep your bebeh in that cupboard . . .
It’s just not cool.

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Phinking on my philia

Damn you, Colin Firth's uncle look a like man,
why do you have to be so obliviously alluring?
I damn and shake my fist. . . but I know it's me.
Like a trick knee,
it's my teacherphilia acting up again.

Saturday, 27 February 2010

10 Cartoon Dudes that shouldn’t be hot . . . but are.

So, This isn't just me, I've asked other chicks and they too find some cartoons better looking than others. . not in a creepy way but you can't help but think that if they were real people they would be totally hot. There. I said it, you want to fight about it?

10. Jack Skellington (from Nightmare before Christmas)
So this one's a weird one (which is saying a lot considering the basis of this list and the subsequent people on it) Yeah, he’s a skeleton and yeah, he’s also quite clueless of his surroundings but that confidence and power as the pumpkin king are reason enough for him to gain a solid spot on this list.

9. Eric (from The Little Mermaid)
He's a prince, he's dashing, what more do you want?? Funny thing - as far as Disney is concerned as long as they change the clothing of a character - tah dah! you have an Agrahbah street rat called Eric.. oh wait no, I mean Aladdin. Still, they knew they were on a winner because. . . well excuse my colloquialism but : DAAIMN!

8. Randy Marsh (from South Park)
Oh randy – so misguided and yet the incoherent ramblings and moustache get me every time. This is despite that he gave birth to the biggest poop in the world, can't play guitar hero and watches japanese barf porn. . I still love ya Randy.

7. Tuxedo mask (from Sailor Moon)
I hold Tuxedo mask with high esteem as he was the leading man in the first anime that I became obsessed with. Granted I was 12, but he still remains one of the best looking cartoons around along with. . .

6. Lupin (from the Lupin the Third Series)
Yeah, he sometimes looks like a monkey and yeah sometimes he can be quite misogynistic but everyone still loves his charmingly thieving antics. . especially me. Jingen is awesome in his own right too.

5. Quagmire (from Family Guy)
He’s filthy and probably has contracted every STD known to man (and even some only known to animals) but again, you can’t go past a man with confidence. He is also one of few men (cartoon or otherwise) that can pull off a Hawaiian shirt without the connotations of being gay or a fat guy.

4. Zapp Branigan/Duff Man (from Futurama/Simpsons)
C’mon they’re basically the same dude – drawn by the same people : just on different shows. Zapp, despite his extremely sexist views and arrogant manner, is endearing. . like a puppy. . a big broad shouldered puppy. Only con would be that no girl should ever go out with anyone who wears shorter skirts than they do. Duff man is not only good looking and manly but is also a spokesman for beer. . 'nuff said.

3. Gambit (from 90s X-men)
The womanizing, gambling Ragin’ Cajun! Plus he’s got that stupidly irresistable French accent. . . geez, did they want to add any other 1950’s stereotypes of the ideal man??? Sigh. He’s. . . soo beautiful.

2. Trent (from Daria)
This is the guy that you wish was your best friends brother – he’s a bum and quite pretentious but there’s something about a dude that doesn’t seem to care about anything that's quite attractive.

1. Swisgaaar Skwigelf (from Metalocalypse)
Is it because of his ever so free use of the word “Dildos” or maybe my inclination for disgusting Swedish men – either way this man (who is taller than a tree, I hear) makes it to the top of this list even though he has a sexual inclination for G.I.L.Fs. Honourable mention : Toki Wartooth

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Cockblocking: a punch to the groin of friendship.

Picture this : you’re out at some common dive that you pretend you hate being in, but hell, you keep going there because there’s always someone there that you’ll know and make you look like you’re super popular (kind of like cheers but with boob tubes and music that threatens to give you cancer). For some miracle you happened to be introduced to a person that doesn’t completely repulse you and somehow is not repulsed by you and the conversation seems interesting after a few drinks. You think to yourself “to hell with it – I pay my taxes, I deserve to get my sex on if I so please”. So the seeds of seduction are planted with a rising frequency of mutual unnecessary touching, along with sexual innuendos a plenty. When suddenly . . . BAM!!! A “friend” comes up with a completely moronic reason to talk to you or even worse – to talk to your possible conquest. Unfortunately, there is no way to get rid of this intruder without losing some mystique with Potential Mcgee.

“Please leave, you are ruining my chances to fuck” not only puts any sort of coitus with Potential Mcgee in peril by revealing what your intentions are but also makes you sound like an asshole.

The worst thing about this scenario is that most cockblockers don’t realise the harm they’re causing their friends. It could just be a harmless joining of the conversation by a generally friendly person, because of course not everyone is on the pull all the time. Mind you, some cockblockers know EXACTLY what they’re doing, and you’ll know who these ones are because they’re the jealous mother fuckers (either of you or for you) that are blocking you every - single - fucking - weekend.

The worst culprits of this socially spreading disease, are of course women. Mainly because they’re usually on their high horse “saving” their friends or justifying their cockblocking for other equally as ridiculous reasons. Let me just say that I’m not talking about blithering drunken friends that are going home with heinously unattractive bush pigs or possible rapists. . these people need saving. . if you’re a good friend you do not let these situations play out. However, if two people are having a good conversation – flirting up a storm and are still more or less cognitive: leave them the fuck alone; figuratively and literally.

A bit of advice for CBs
• No, you’re not saving them. . though if you let them be, you might be saving yourself from some major embarrassment when you realise you’re not wanted.
• Don’t think that by calling Potential Mcgee a whore or a sleaze you’ll be putting your friend off of them – this is a positive remark if your friend is trying to get their sex on.
• If you’re jealous because you WANT your friend then stop being a cockblocking idiot and make a move instead of wasting your energy on trying to control situations that you have no right to control.
• If you’re jealous of how often you’re friends get their sex on – get out there and try your chances, fool! Stop ruining your (and everyone else's) weekends by keeping tabs on people and go out and do the things that you’re so jealous for. Same goes if you’re simply jealous that you’re friends are getting more attention than you.

Understandibly, the world of courting is savage but don't stop your friends for having a good time because when they do it back to you out of spite you're going to be the first person to bitch about it.

Just don't Block the Cock.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Avatar = Fern Gully on Acid

Let me start by saying that I did actually enjoy Avatar – as far as mainstream 3 hour long movies go, I didn’t hate it. My main gripe with the Avatar phenomenon is the people that go around saying that it’s the best movie ever or that it’s a must see for any movie lover. After watching the movie I went back and asked some of these people what their favourite movies were before the almighty Avatar came along and "blew their minds". I kid you not one of them said Love Actually and another said The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. After considering the kind of people I associate with, let me say that these movies aren’t bad – but if we’re talking best movies here – just because the marketing department for Avatar probably received half of the 300 million it took to make, it doesn’t mean that other (more) amazing movies haven’t been made. Honestly, it seems that without the 3D element all you have is a recycled story with blue lurch-like CG creatures that echoes the Fern Gully story except without Robin Williams and Cheech and Chong - which is a high light in Avatar - you win this round Mr Cameron.

The uber manly Colonel Miles Quaritch (amazingly played by Stephen Lang) was the only truly refreshing aspect of the movie (and by refreshing I mean his manliness is good to see after the metro sexual male slinked into popular culture . . taking over from the manly man in a vicious cycle that has women confused as to what an attractive man actually looks like).

Example of this character’s awesomeness: This man’s shoulder was on fire. . .


However, he kept on walking around as if it was a minor inconvenience that could be dealt with at a time where cripple killin’ didn’t need to be done. What a guy.

Overall, if you like your stories simple and also like pretty colours that occasionally look like they are coming towards you, then Avatar will probably be the highlight of your movie watching experience.

I wish you the best.

Monday, 15 February 2010

The First Cynical Harpoon - Thrown.

I regret not calling this blog "Ranting about shit that only matters to me because I'm just as egocentric as everyone else. . " on second thoughts the title I picked is probably catchier.

Just a recap on why I'm extremely bitter this fine day -
1. I had a 3 hour job interview for a job that I don't particularly want.
2. A skeazy old man who stared at me the whole way through the job information session last week - asked me out.
3. I was accused of being racist by a guy at the bus stop when in actual fact I was just keeping my distance because I like to have my personal space on a 35 degree day. It's racial sensitivity gone mad when a person doesn't understand that I hate them for who they are - not becasuse of where they come from.

The above mixed in with daily insecurities and you've got yourself a mightily pissed off chick. Welcome.